Helping Children Cope with Divorce or Separation

Children usually cope best with a divorce or separation when three things are in place: they are told clearly that it is not their fault, they are kept out of conflict between their parents, and their routines and relationships with both parents stay as steady as safely possible. Many children go through a difficult period and then settle, often within two to three years, although separation can be linked to longer-term problems for some ^[2].

This article is about children’s emotional wellbeing. It does not cover custody, guardianship or other legal arrangements in the UAE, which depend on individual circumstances and should be discussed with a qualified legal adviser.

How separation can affect children

Children react in different ways depending on their age, temperament and what is happening around them. Many children, especially younger ones, secretly believe they caused the separation, perhaps because of something they said or did ^[1].

Younger children may become more aggressive, clingy or withdrawn. Older children and teenagers may feel deep sadness or anger, their schoolwork may suffer, and behaviour problems may appear at home or at school ^[1]. Some children try very hard to be “good” so as not to add to their parents’ stress, which can hide how they are really feeling.

Why parental conflict matters

Research suggests that it is not only whether parents separate that affects children, but how parents handle disagreement. A major review of the evidence found that the way parents express and manage conflict, ranging from silence and withdrawal to open hostility and violence, influences children’s emotional and behavioural outcomes, whether the parents live together or apart ^[3].

Long custody disputes and pressure on children to take sides are particularly harmful ^[1]. Children should not be asked to pass on messages, report on the other parent, or choose where to live as a way of settling an adult dispute.

This does not mean parents must never disagree. It means keeping arguments away from children where possible, avoiding criticism of the other parent in front of them, and letting them see disagreements resolved calmly when they do happen.

Telling your children

How children first hear the news can shape how they cope afterwards. Child psychiatry guidance suggests ^[1]:

• Do not keep it a secret. Children notice tension and will imagine explanations, often worse than the truth.
• Tell them together if you can. Hearing it from both parents at once shows that you are still working together as parents.
• Keep it simple and honest. Give an explanation suited to their age, without blame or adult details.
• Say clearly that it is not their fault. Repeat this more than once, and expect to say it again in the months ahead.
• Admit that it is sad. Acknowledging your own sadness gives your child permission to feel theirs.
• Reassure them that both parents still love them and will go on caring for them.
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or the reasons for the separation in front of the children.

Children often ask practical questions: where they will live, whether they will change school, when they will see each parent, and what will happen on holidays and special occasions. Clear answers, even “we are still working that out”, reduce uncertainty.

Parenting across two homes

Paediatric guidance identifies several things that help children adjust after their parents separate ^[2]:

• keeping conflict between parents low
• both parents staying involved in the child’s life, where this is safe
• parenting that is warm and also sets clear limits
• similar rules, routines and expectations in each home
• each parent supporting the other’s authority, rather than undermining it
• predictable daily routines for meals, homework and sleep

Children can manage different homes with different styles, but they find it hard when they are caught between them. A short, practical way of sharing information, such as a shared calendar or a brief weekly message about school, health and activities, can reduce the need for children to carry information back and forth.

Making handovers easier

The moment a child moves from one home to the other can be the most tense part of the week, especially if parents meet face to face. A few practical steps can reduce the strain:

• keep handovers short, friendly and predictable, at times the child knows in advance
• use a neutral place, such as school pick-up, if meeting in person tends to lead to arguments
• let the child take familiar things between homes, such as a favourite toy, book or pillow
• avoid discussing money, arrangements or grievances during the handover itself
• give your child a little quiet time after arriving before asking lots of questions

Special occasions and religious holidays

Eid, birthdays, school events and holidays can bring the separation into sharp focus. Plan these well ahead and tell your child what will happen, so they are not left wondering where they will be or who they will see. Some families choose to share the day, others alternate from year to year. What matters most to children is that they are not made to feel guilty for enjoying time with either parent, and that they are not caught in last-minute disagreements.

When a child refuses to see one parent

Occasionally a child refuses contact with one parent. This is uncommon, and the reasons are often complex ^[1]. It may reflect loyalty conflicts, fear, anger or something that has happened between the child and that parent. It should not be ignored, and it is a situation in which professional help is especially useful. If a child’s reluctance is linked to fear for their safety, take it seriously and seek advice.

New partners and blended families

New relationships and step-families bring their own adjustments. Our article on helping children adjust to a blended family looks at this in more detail.

Supporting your child at school

Schoolwork often suffers during a separation ^[1]. With your agreement, letting the class teacher or school counsellor know that the family is going through a change can help staff understand changes in concentration, mood or behaviour. Make sure the school has up-to-date contact details for both parents, and is clear about any arrangements for collection. If your child starts to resist going to school, act early and talk with the school; our article on back-to-school anxiety has practical ideas.

Signs your child may need more help

Sadness, anger and worry are expected for a while. Consider seeking a professional assessment if your child:

• stays very sad, angry or withdrawn for weeks without improvement
• shows a marked drop in school performance or starts avoiding school
• has frequent outbursts, aggression or new behaviour problems at home or school
• has persistent sleep difficulties, stomach aches or headaches without a medical cause
• repeatedly blames themselves for the separation
• pulls away from friends or activities they used to enjoy
• talks about self-harm or about not wanting to be alive, which needs urgent help

Talking therapy can help children, and parents, through a separation ^[1]. Therapy gives a child a neutral space to talk about feelings they may not want to share with either parent, and helps parents find ways to co-parent that protect the child.

Looking after yourself

Separation is stressful for adults too. Children tend to do better when parents look after their own wellbeing, ask for help when they need it, and keep a hopeful outlook about the future ^[2]. Seeking support from family, friends or a counsellor is a practical step for your child as well as for you.

How BMMC can help

Beautiful Mind Medical Center’s children’s services provide assessment and therapy for children and adolescents, along with parent support and training. Parent-only sessions are available, which some families find useful while deciding how to talk to their children or how to share parenting across two homes. Our psychology team also offers family therapy and supportive psychotherapy. Assessments can be carried out in Arabic or English.

To arrange an appointment, call +971 2 621 2230, email info@bmmc.ae, or use the booking form.

This article is for general educational purposes and is not a substitute for an individual assessment, diagnosis, or treatment plan from a qualified healthcare professional. If you are concerned about a child’s or adolescent’s safety, seek urgent professional help.

References

1. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce. Facts for Families No. 1. Updated April 2026. aacap.org
2. American Academy of Pediatrics. How to Support Children after Their Parents Separate or Divorce. HealthyChildren.org. Last updated 29 September 2020. healthychildren.org
3. Harold GT, Sellers R. Annual Research Review: Interparental conflict and youth psychopathology: an evidence review and practice focused update. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 2018;59(4):374–402. doi:10.1111/jcpp.12893. PubMed
4. The UAE Government portal. Handling emergencies. u.ae